a colored spectrum

wrecked

i feel wrecked. totally overwhelmed.

1. my thesis proposal isn't going on well.

the deadline for my independent study module i.e. a mini thesis is 15 Jan, which is next Monday. I have already submitted my proposal, albeit a brief one,
but am still awaiting my Prof's reply, as to whether she is willing to undertake me.
i'm supposed to meet her, but she says Monday is packed though will try to squeeze.
Tues would be past the deadline.
Holy crap.

meanwhile, i better read up on my topic and refine my proposal over the weekend... =/

2. 'heart' versus 'mind' issue

someone said that i am too rational, even in relationships.
the way i choose a boyfriend, is akin to going through a check list,
selecting certain desired qualities and traits.
if most things about him fits into my list (eg. personality, character, career, status, stature etc),
he is chosen. for his qualities and not out of my love.

why? is anything wrong with that?

i like being rational. and quick. i see no need to flow with the 'feelings'. such irrational behavior.
everything that happens, has to have a good reason, a logical reason.

for example: i chose him because he is stable and secure, though boring.
or: i did not choose him because he is is unable to love me, although he is brilliant.

anything wrong with being rational?

i do not want to risk my heart and throw my sanity on the line. i like security and certainty.
to go with my 'passion' and 'feelings is completely insane and irrational.
to plunge in without a clear rational mind is a thing is my past. not my present.

thus, i am happy with making decisions with my mind.
to choose someone whom i can reply on, be safe and secure with.
though he may not be all that interesting.
as compared to follwing my 'heart' i.e. irrational emotions,
to choose someone who is all i have ever asked for in a man,
all interesting and charming, yet cannot love me and only me in return.

posted by Veen @ 08:19